Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend Tristan Miller German Research Center for Arti?cial Intelligence ? Erwin-Schr¨odinger-Stra?e 57 67663 Kaiserslautern, Germany tristan.******@ 20 December 1999 Abstract Informal empirical and anecdotal evidence from the (male) munity has long pointed to the di?culty in securing decent, long-term panionship. To date, however, no one has published a rigorous study of the matter. In this essay, the author inves- tigates himself as a case study and presents a proof, using simple statistical calculus, of why it is impossible to ?nd a girlfriend. Why don’t I have a girlfriend? This is a question that practically every male has asked himself at one point or another in his life. Unfortunately, there is rarely a hard and fast answer to the query. Many men try to reason their way through the dilemma he- less, often reaching a series of ridiculous expla- nations, each more self-deprecating than the last: “Is it because I’m too shy, and not ag- gressive enough? Is it my opening lines? Am I a boring person? Am I too fat or too thin? Or am I simply ugly pletely unattractive to women?” When all other plausible expla- nations have been discounted, most fall back on the time-honoured conclusion that “there must be Something Wrong TMwith me” be- fore resigning themselves to lives of perpetual chastity. 1 ?This paper was written when the author was at Gri?
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